I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
