And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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