is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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