Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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