my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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