Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
