I'm really into asian looking animals
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
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