Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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