My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
