i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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