I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
