I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
