whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
