You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
