I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
