I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
