Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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