I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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