he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
