her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
