I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
