Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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