You can't special order awesome
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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