Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
