i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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