walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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