I haven't been this sober since birth.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
