I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
