i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
