I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
