I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
