The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
