When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
