There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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