i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
