So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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