Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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