i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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