just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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