I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
