I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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