There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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