if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
