I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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