Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize