That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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