She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You are a genius and a whore.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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