just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
