fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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