i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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