when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
